I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
