Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have tasted many bathrooms
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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