im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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