Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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