nut hugger
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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