he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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