just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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