dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
