i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
