Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
