so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize