I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
