My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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