i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
