DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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