At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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