is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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