Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
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Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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