i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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