My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
