fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
