waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
