he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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