I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
