Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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