i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
