My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
