Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
