I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
