Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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