i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
