Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
