That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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