Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He passed out mid-signature
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra