I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
