Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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