Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
