Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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