his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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