After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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