just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
