i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
