you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
