bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
