Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
