He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
