my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
