Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
