so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
