I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
In other news, I just burned my penis
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
