i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
