apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
