Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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