Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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