My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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