Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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