I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
